"Look, I don't like you and you don't like me. I don't want to do this thing anymore than you do. We both have our parts to play in this crazy topsy turvy world and you've just got to buck up and take it. I'm going to have my way with you, so you might as well work to make it pleasant. Understand?
You're a little slow, aren't you? I SAID YOU'RE A LITTLE SLOW! Never mind. It's not important."
"I know a bag has been removed from the bagging area. I have three 'helpful' children. For once they're actually trying to help. It's like a miracle, and there you are nagging. Here I am, feeding the multitudes and all you want to do is count the loaves of bread. The bag is back, okay? Jeez, relax."
"It's an apple. For crying out loud, I don't know it's social security number, its favorite color or its mother's maiden name. I'm not entering into a long term commitment here. It's not like I want to file the apple's taxes, I just like me some Fuji. You're going to stand between me and my apple? What the Fuji? The sign on the display said they're 1.59 a pound. You have the fancy scale, you figure it out. Why am I doing all the work here? Oh, that little number sticker on the side there? Um, yeah I guess I can type that in. Thanks ma'am. No, I didn't realize I was yelling."
"Look, there's a line queing up behind me now. Could you please hurry this up? No, I'm not the one that's going slow, you're the one with the deficient scanner. Yes. I said deficient. No I am not intimidated by your high tech gadgetry. I have oodles of experience as a counter jockey scanning purchases and making change. The trick was, I had a half hour of training and I could do a void without calling over the assistant manager every ten minutes. Oh and also I used to get paid to do this."
"I know a bag has been removed from the bagging area. I needed room for another bag because that one was full and I put it in my cart."
"Stop yelling at me. People are starting to stare. I just explained the bag thing and you're getting a little repetitive. You're kind of attention needy aren't you?"
"You know, cashiering was my back up plan. If money got tight, or I really needed to get out of the house; I always figured I could come back to a place like this and serve my time. You stole that from me didn't you? Now I'm stuck with my dream of running away and joining the carnival. If you don't scan this depilatory cream I may have to start my career as the bearded lady sooner than I planned."
"I know a bag has been removed from the bagging area. Fine. I put the overly full, about to tip over bag, back on the bagging area. Are you happy now?"
"I know it's a lot of produce. I wasn't expecting my special time here with you now was I? I like to eat healthy, are you going to try and ruin that for me too? Are you going to try and bully me into pre-packaged junk just because the bar codes are easier to find? Are you responsible for the nation's obesity problem?"
"No, I'm just saying you're a dark and twisted piece of machinery. I wouldn't put it past you. You know the little old lady three people back in the line is starting to look annoyed. Are you going to practice your dark arts on her too? That's somebody's mother for crying out loud."
"I know a bag has been removed from the bagging area. I've been trying to teach my groceries to levitate but they just haven't shown an aptitude yet."
"If the store is saving money not paying a cashier to ring up my groceries, and I'm doing all the work here, where is my pay off? Why don't I get a discount for cashiering and bagging my own order? Hey, and didn't that bag of sugar used to be bigger? Do you have a shrink ray too?"
"No, I'm totally serious. Stop laughing, you sound like a calculator with the hiccups. You need to get out in the real world more."
"Oh, yeah."
"I don't know with a dolly or a forklift? It's not my problem and it's beside the point."
"I know a bag has been removed from the bagging area. I am not trying to steal an entire bag of groceries. I promise, it's right there and I will pay for it if we ever finish this trial of endurance."
"You know the cashier is right there watching me. I guess I can accept the fact that you don't have any faith in my moral fortitude or character. You could at least show a little respect for cashier/theft prevention/helper lady and trust that she's doing her job. What happened to make you so cold and jaded?"
"It's so sick that she has to stand there watching you. Or does that give you more of a thrill? You do to grocery cashiers what ATMs did for bank tellers. What tornadoes do to trailer parks."
"Yeah? Well Fuji to you too!
Um, no. I didn't know I left a bag in the bagging area. Er, um, thanks."
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