Monday, August 02, 2010

Various thoughts and imperitives

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. Cecil Beaton

I have the studio cleaned and organized better now.  I'm focusing on making the space as functional as possible.  I'm fired up and ready to go in September -painting and writing, writing and painting.  I'm determined to make something worthwhile.  I'm so tired of feeling like I'm spinning my wheels.

"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."

I have the kindling and the match at the ready.  All I need is time.  A month of summer left.  I want to enjoy the time with the kids.  I want to make the most of it, but the fighting between them all is driving me crazy.  

More and more trouble getting along with, relating to, Felix.  I feel almost like he's slipping away from me behind all this unpleasant behavior.  I've got a number of doc appts to try and track down what's going on with him.  Allergies, Acid reflux, Asperger's syndrome, Tourette's -there are a lot of possible explanations but I'm just hoping for some better guide to know how to help him.  

And then underneath that, there's this lingering fear that if something is misfiring in him, that maybe that comes from me.  Maybe there is a reason why I am this marginally functional creative weirdo.  

And to bring it full circle, that's why I feel more determined than ever to get something done, made, pushed to better.  I just really need to feel like I'm pushing towards better at something rather than stuck in mediocre.  

That's all I have for now.  Oh, and also I need to blog more frequently.  -We'll see if I can. 

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